The Other Man in Me
Erotic Longing, Lust and Love: The Soul Calling
Homosexuality and the Soul’s Longing
Do you ever feel like two people, living two separate lives? One, behaving responsibly, while the other steals moments in secret or lives only in the fantasies of his mind? I was born into an evangelical minister’s home. I was also born with the proclivity for same-sex attractions. I say “born” because current brain research indicates that biology plays a part in sexual attraction. Of course, I didn’t know that when I was growing up. However, as my life unfolded, I discovered that while I was attracted to certain women, I was also attracted to certain men. These two worlds—my same-sex attractions and my religious training that believed homosexuality was a “sin”—would eventually collide.
This collision would lead me into a deep, soul-searching journey of self-discovery and to an understanding that sexual attraction—same- sex attraction—isn’t just about sex. It isn’t just about erotic feelings for another man. While it is that, it is also more than that.
The Other Man in Me is the story of my journey to reconcile my two selves—one that was the respectable husband, father, church and community leader and the one living in secret same-sex encounters and affairs.
Drawing from my dreams, fantasies and research, I discover the symbolic and spiritual meanings of my erotic longings, sexual fantasies and same-sex attractions. On this journey I meet another man living in my soul, one that connected me to the meaning and purpose of my life. He opened me to deep places in my soul and helped me discover my truth. It is my desire that my story will help those who may be struggling with sexual compulsions or those who are caught in conflicts related to their sexual expression can find their truth and live their lives in a manner that is congruent with their souls and the individual meaning of their lives.
The Story Begins
Behind all forms of sexuality is the great longing to find some way to experience the unity of oneness with the Other. Ultimately, that “Other” is the “Other” in us as our own soul and all that lies hidden there repressed, shunned, and ignored. In their attempts to be known, these hidden places often get projected onto others. Whatever our sexual orientation may be, at its core is a longing for our own soul and the desire to bring into existence that which lies buried there. Thus, all sexuality, including homosexuality, can be understood as one of the many ways the soul expresses itself. In fact, I would say that all attraction is a longing of the soul. To understand the hidden meaning in the attraction is to bring a level of understanding and consciousness to the experience, which shifts one from living under its spell as “fate” would have it, to living with it in a conscious relationship.
There are times when living out one’s sexual desires and attractions in the outer world is too demanding, not feasible, and may not be appropriate, such as in the case of sexual compulsions. In such situations a person’s libido needs to be expressed elsewhere, often internally. Carl Jung suggested that when a person turns his desire away from outer things, his libido turns inward and he reaches the place of the soul. Turning libido inward opens a man to the possibility of discovering the spiritual meaning of his desires and finding a new life plan.
Where does that inward journey lead? Where does it end? The answer is unknown until one day you realize you are home. Somewhere deep inside you resonate with what you have discovered, who you have become. You recognize that you have found your truth. There is no need to defend it. Other points of view do not diminish it. You can allow others their judgments without judging. You are home! You have come to understand that those desires and attractions were symbols of the soul’s longing to live its unlived life, not yet understood. That life, unconscious, dormant in your soul, becomes your life. In this I am suggesting that the life that you find was what you were longing for all along—the intent and spiritual purpose behind the sexual desires and attractions you experienced.
For Gay and Bisexual Men Who Suffer from Internal Conflicts Related to Sexual Expression
While my ideas may have application to other forms of sexual attraction, this book is about male same-sex attraction as I have come to understand it in my life. I propose that there are many forms of homosexuality and the reasons for same-sex attractions are as varied as the people who experience them. Same-sex attraction has its own meaning peculiar to the individual and a man’s psycho-spiritual development depends on becoming conscious of that meaning.
If you are a gay or bisexual man who is happy with the life you are living, you have found your path. This book may not for you. However, if you are:
• a gay, bisexual, and straight man who wrestles with same-sex desires, fantasies, and attractions, and perhaps even wrestles with the idea of having some same-sex encounters but is caught in conflicting priorities;
• a man who for one reason or another is unable to leave his circumstances—perhaps his wife and family, a partner, his religion or other values—to embrace a same-sex relationship in the outer world;
• a man who has some sense that there may be something else at the core of your same-sex attractions. (Maybe it isn’t just about sex and the need for a physical man;
• a man who is caught between the pull of two passions—two spirits—one to embrace the feminine and the other to embrace the masculine;
• a man who needs to find a way to live with his same-sex attractions that is congruent with his soul’s purpose and deepest longings or
• a partner or family member who needs to understand the struggle and travail of your loved ones, then this book may be a useful resource for you.
The challenge is how to hold the tensions of these “conflicts of the soul,” these seemingly contradictory paths, while making sense of them. The task is to find meaning in it all so that you can live your life with compassion and honesty, being true to the deeper nature and longing within.
What to Expect
Each week I will share excerpts from my book, The Other Man in Me, which details my journey of discovery into the hidden meaning in my own same-sex attractions. You will learn how dreams reveal the hidden story and unconscious purposes of erotic longings and sexual attractions as comments on your life. We will explore the symbolic and spiritual meanings of same-sex fantasies, attractions and behaviors. For example, a man’s penis in the act of receiving oral sex isn’t just his penis, but a symbol for some part of him that longs to be validated, honored, brought to life, perhaps even worshipped. The symbolic meaning is truer than the act of oral sex because it acknowledges a reality that could not otherwise be expressed. It is this point of view that begins to hint to us that sexual attractions in all their forms and behaviors can have spiritual meaning and intent. We will take a look at our masculine and feminine selves and how to make peace with them. We will discover how sometimes our inner woman or inner feminine energies fall under the spell of some unconscious split off masculine image that then gets projected onto a man in the outer world in an attempt to get into life, to be experienced and lived. I will provide examples of this process as well as exercises that will invite you into your own process of exploration and discovery. As the story unfolds it offers opportunity to open you to deep places in your own soul and help you discover what is true for you and how to live with same-sex desires in a manner that is congruent with your own soul and the individual meaning of your life.
Contact and Support
If you are interested in forming a discussion or support group where we can discuss my writings, share and explore meanings of dreams and fantasies or get feedback on a dream or fantasy, let me know. I invite you to subscribe to my Substack and get the complete introductory chapter, Homosexuality and the Soul’s Longing in next week’s post. If this topic isn’t for you, please share my Substack with family, friends, and colleagues you think might be interested in this material.
Thank you for your support.
Sheldon