Same-Sex Attraction and the Interplay of the Masculine and Feminine
Chapter 10 of The Other Man in Me
The masculine and feminine as archetypes refer to a complex of energies that express themselves in certain patterns of thought, emotion and behavior that appear in both men and women. The interplay of these two energies are critical in understanding all forms of sexuality. In this chapter I explore these patterns within myself and how their interaction contributed to my same-sex attractions.
I dream that
My wife and I are reading a book. We each have our own copy of the same book. A man tells us the Jung himself was confused on whether to call homosexuals, homosexuals, saying “One time Jung would refer to them as homosexuals and then after the next session with them he would refer to them as heterosexuals when he wrote in their records.”
This man takes a pencil and draws a circle around the paragraph in the books that we are reading where it states that Jung himself says that in his own writings. He circles it first in my wife’s book and then in mine. (Journal, 1-20-87)
For me, Jung symbolized the wise old man, a representative of wisdom and meaning that symbolized the preexisting knowledge living in the soul. This dream brought attention to my confusion about my own sexuality—sometimes I was a heterosexual and other times I was a homosexual. The fact that the man drew a circle around this passage in both my book and my wife’s book emphasized the importance of this observation.
From the point of view of the unconscious there are two energy systems at work in me. At one time the heterosexual energy system was at work, and at another time the homosexual energy system was at work. Sometimes I was drawn to the feminine (the heterosexual) and at other times I was drawn to the masculine (the homosexual). I would call these archetypal (typical and universal) systems that operate within the psyche as expressions of how the masculine and feminine energies may interact. Dreams show things as they are at the unconscious, thus my confusion: Was I gay? Was I straight? Or was I both—bisexual? Or was I neither?
This is just one of the myriad ways the psyche functions. The soul expresses itself in images of the masculine and the feminine. In my own journey, the interplay of these two archetypal energies became critical in understanding the energy that expressed itself in my same- sex attractions. It was this inner relationship between the masculine and feminine energies that began to reveal to me the meaning and purpose of the longing behind this other man living in my soul.
Critical to this discussion is what I mean by masculine and feminine energies. While this next section may become laborious for some, I ask you to bear with me as I take you through my own journey of defining masculine and feminine. I will say at the onset of this discussion that by masculine and feminine I am not referring simply to men and women or to male and female but rather to a complex of energies that express themselves in certain patterns of thought, emotion, and behavior that appear in both men and women. I will then give examples of how these two archetypal energies played out in my own life and how my same-sex attractions played into this masculine-feminine relationship.
John Moore in his book Sexuality and Spirituality correlates the masculine and feminine with the right and left brain hemispheres respectively. Moore defines the feminine as the active, group, procreative purpose of the psyche that serves the survival of the group or species. It corresponds to the left-brain hemisphere and is directed toward procreation and physical survival. From this arises dispositions toward a legion of inclinations, preoccupations, and behavioral traits, for example, habit, tradition, conservatism, protection, defense, productivity, expansion, and longevity.241
According to Moore, “the feminine is centrifugal (moves from the center outwards) proliferates, expands, multiplies, works in terms of continuous movement in linear, passing, or historical time (being concerned with the past and future). The feminine is group—or family—identified ”242 According to Moore’s definition, my loyalty and service to collective values, to my family and family values, to religion and religious values, or any institutional system and its values, would be an expression of and an identification with and service to the feminine.
On the other hand, Moore defines the masculine as individuality in both men and women and says that it corresponds to the right brain hemisphere. According to Moore, the masculine “tends toward the abstract, the ideal, the inner meaning, the metaphysical, the immanent and the visualized perfection.”243 According to Moore the masculine “is centripetal (withdrawing towards a center), penetrating and with- drawing pulsation being only concerned with the immediate, the moment now. It is individual self-concerned and self-sacrificial.244
According to this definition, any interest or desire in me that would go against collective values and beliefs, go against family, religious, or institutional values for my own individual voice and personal needs, would be masculine.
The feminine, as defined by Moore, serves the sexual-socio-economic-procreative-collective purpose of life and is centrifugal, moving from the center outward. The masculine serves the spiritual concern of personal destiny and self-realization—the advancement of what Moore calls the “real-self;” it is centripetal, withdrawing toward a center.245 Using Moore’s definitions, the interplay between the masculine and feminine can be understood as the interplay between my personal and individual needs of my “real-self” and the demands and expectations of family and collective values.
I dream
I am walking on a sandy beach although I am not aware of an ocean. I am walking with Hilda, a man, and a small boy. We come to a high sand wall. I know that we have to get into some place by climbing this wall of sand. I attempt it but slide back down. It seems we all attempt it. Hilda is giving the instructions.
Finally I get to the top and clear away sand, which reveals the tunnel area that we are trying to get to. I think that all I have to do is pull the wall down and we’ll be in. However, instead, the wall caves in and forms a path on which we can walk. There is a lady inside showing us the way. (Journal, 7-8-87)
At the time of this dream I was working on understanding the meanings of my attractions to same-sex anal sex, oral sex, and masturbation. According to Moore’s definition, this activity itself is a masculine endeavor. On one hand these behaviors and my attraction and interest in them went against the primary collective values of the 1970s and certainly went against the family and religious values in which I was raised (Moore’s feminine), on the other hand they served as an individual journey in search of their inner personal meaning (Moore’s masculine).
On the day prior to this dream I had spent time at the library researching Jung’s collected works on masturbation. As I was leaving the library and heading to my car, it dawned on me that I hadn’t looked up any references to the hand—the auxiliary organ in masturbation. So I went back to the library. However, when I went to the shelf where Jung’s works were stored, the shelf had been cleared.
As I was looking around in the nearby areas for the books, I “came upon” Anthony Stevens’s book Archetypes. I was happy about this because I needed it to footnote my reference to Stevens’s idea on initiation and homosexuality. As I browsed the book, I immediately came upon a quote that I had used in my writing at the time but whose source I hadn’t been able to locate. I felt this to be a synchronicity. Given the circumstances under which I rediscovered this book, I decided to reread Stevens’s book. As I did, I came across his definitions of the masculine and feminine. I noticed that in his definitions the movements of the masculine and feminine energies were the exact opposite of Moore’s definitions.
Stevens says the masculine is essentially centrifugal, outgoing, and extraverted. According to him, the masculine is energetic, dynamic, and assertive and its realms are heaven and spirit. In its phallic, penetrating aspect it arouses, produces, and creates. In its aggressive form it combats and destroys. It is positive and impulsive, but also disciplined and ascetic.246
On the other hand, Stevens says it is the feminine that is centripetal, in-turning, and introverted, concerned with the realms of earth, nature, the womb, home, and family—giving form to the energy of the masculine and bringing life out of darkness.247
The discrepancy between how these two scholars described the movement of the masculine and feminine energies caused me to call into question my use of Moore’s definitions in my own work on the masculine and feminine as it related to my own homosexual/heterosexual conflict. In fact, these opposing viewpoints felt like an obstacle to my moving forward, just as the dream had shown a large sand wall in the way of my journey. However, the dream also showed that in my climbing the wall, in my facing this seeming contradiction of the masculine and feminine expressions—and by extension the seeming contradiction between my homosexual and heterosexual selves—I not only discovered the destination for which I was searching, but the wall itself became the path on which I could walk.
In other words, that which seemed like an obstacle became a path forward. According to the dream, the feminine was showing me the way.
I considered this dream, the rediscovery of Anthony Stevens’s book, and the context under which it all occurred, to be a synchronicity and a significant one. It was none other than the voice of the Self where the inner and the outer worlds came together in a meaningful way to further clarify and direct my work on the masculine and feminine and their interplay in my heterosexual-homosexual dance.
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